Monday Meme from Strawberry Singh - OOC post

1. Have you ever owned a sim in Second Life? – No, I once had a sim named after me. Sadly its been taken down off the grid now.
2. Have you ever created content in Second Life? – I did... Its shitty, and I think I deleted it.
   
3. Have you ever driven a vehicle in Second Life? – Yup Vroom
4. Have you ever gone sky diving in Second Life? – Some years ago
5. Have you ever played a sport in Second Life? – No.
6. Have you ever gone clubbing in Second Life? – I still go sometimes, Demonic club is where I go.
7. Have you ever fangirled/fanboyed someone in Second Life? – Hmm I'm not sure
8. Have you ever taken a picture of your avatar in water in Second Life? – Mermaids count right?
9. Have you ever taken a picture of a sunset in Second Life? – First one I ever took
10. Have you ever taken a nude picture of your avatar in Second Life? – Plenty of them.
    
11. Have you ever dated in Second Life? – Yes
12. Have you ever had or attended a wedding in Second Life? – I've been to several SL weddings, two of which were my own.
13. Have you ever drank, smoked or taken drugs in Second Life? – All of them but only in Roleplay.
14. Have you ever engaged in sexual activity in Second Life? – If you know me then you know I have :D
15. Have you ever been to Bukkake Bliss in Second Life? – I... Once it was random sim hop while exploring the grid.

All alone

This is Hell this lonliness this lack of connection with others and always finding myself alone, if it wasn't for the fact I'm on the surface I would have sworn I was back in that cell I spent centuries locked away in. Yet the morning always comes to remind me there is light in my darkness, but I feel like my insanity is getting worse always being alone. To know you're insane is to know there are cracks in your mind, cracks that even with your anchors get worse and worse the more there is factors that make them break open. Sometimes it feels like claws digging in to my brain I can hear it scratching, trying to get out to be free to make me the monster I truly am.

I must uphold our values even when away from my Nephilim, protect the humans make them see that angels are the bad guys not us. When you got people like me in their ranks, leading them its hard not to think of yourself as a hypercrit, I eat people because I love the taste of their flesh and I hurt people because I love the sound of their screams. Ugh... Go away! Stop it! I won't let you out! Not today, not while I hold my sword close to me, please stop I don't want to be mad anymore.

I don't want to be insane.

For all I know I could be mad right now but I have my sword with me, my precious blade that never leaves my side.

Not long ago I got a letter from the one who is my leader, the one who made me a General of her army in Charm. It said that Charm has been neutrilised of the Angel threat and we all needed to move on, this was sent to me during my first month of absence she must have known I had gone already for the letter found me. For now the army I led has disbanded and scattered until she sends word to gather again, in my moments of being lucid I wonder how they are all doing all scattered around the lands now. No purpose, no goal, no unity and perhaps they are currently like me alone, wandering, lost. Every day is the same its empty and I haven't even found Matias again, not that it matters now since the pain of his loss has dulled. I can move on. Time has ticked on its been two years since that letter, this hole inside of me is gnawing away at my soul.

Fuck!

Fuck emotions!

Days like this I wonder why I even wanted them in the first place, they're horrible making me feel terrible. There are good emotions too the ones that make you happy, love, have joy, excitement, emotions make our existance stop being a blank void of nothing. When I sit to think about it I know deep down Morning Star was right that we should have these, that we as the first children had a right to feel how humans felt. Sometimes we can't cope with these emotions, each one we've not felt before is new. I know for a fact that when I find a new one it takes me ages to comprehend and adjust to it, there is no coping so in your own confusion of the feeling you tend to lash out. Or as humans say act like a child.

I just don't want to be alone any longer. Maybe I should find work to keep me busy, I like being busy for leading kept me busy. My people kept me busy and I enjoyed commanding them or hanging out with them, always mingling with the lower ranks learning how they tick. Yes I need work... Something... Anything...

This is Hell on Earth, I can't stand it any longer.

Please...

Let me burn the world.

On the road again

I had managed to find Matias but to my dismay he had been taken over by a Celestial, the devestation I felt at this was terrible. Yet Matias was still in there some there and the irony of it is, at least now he will know that his sister wasn't dead. Though the two of us were now butting heads I had to protect him, the host is Matias he's in there merged with that thing but...

He decided to find an apartment I moved in with him, we eventually worked out a dynamic that worked for us and we settled in to this new city. Time passes by I started up a butcher shop in order to have something to do, ever since being a General I craved work or just something to keep me busy. We met many people here one of them was called Vincent he even reminded me a little of the Vincent I once met, the one I know is lost out there somewhere along with Mephis. No matter how hard I look for them I can't find them.

Matias he set up his own shop of sex furniture for a naive angel he surely shouldn't know about that sort of thing, its his first time on the surface or so he says but he must have been around since Heaven is closed. There were a couple of people in this place who caught my interest, one being Morian the others, Naythan and... I forgot his name but I made a deal with him to get bodies in to my shop from him.

People left they vanished others took their place there was a new leader for a faction of my kind, I joined up becoming a peon again was a blessing but I still don't accept orders. Though his leadership was firm he didn't seem to last long either, I  heard he was outcast for falling for a fae he found. I'm just glad no one caught on I fell for a human, that could be devasting for my career no?

Eventually Matias left he disappeared one day again with no goodbye or mention he was leaving, I followed suit packing up my things in order to track him down once again. Maybe when I'm out there I can find all my friends again to make sure they're okay, I wonder how the Nephilim are doing without me being there to lead them. Its okay though Lizbeth is a good worker she'll keep things intact, if not well the orders I'm sure will change at some point and we'll all meet up again somewhere else. In the mean time I feel like I'm chasing shadows, I should just let him go.

I really should...

The search for Matias

Its been some weeks now since I told Matias the truth about his sister, I've waited patiently for him to return but there's been no sign of him. None of this would have happened if not for that night, none of this would have happened if I had stayed detached as I should have. Yet here I am I swear I've put a track in the carpet from my pacing, he hasn't come home and deep down I knew this would be the case. I need him to come home, I need him here. Not just for my own sake but for the sake of the family, the family I've helped to grow, become strong and ultimately lead.

Its not just Matias who has left for three of my dearest friends have also gone, Zekkiel, Yui and Syrin, they upped and went without so much as a goodbye leaving me reeling. I know they can look after themselves I don't need to search for them and I hope to meet them again one day. Syrin's absence had left the vampires without a forge worker, so Bronson offered his services as is his right along with Raven's assistance. Gone are the days of flirting with the Prince, or drinking with him and the other two, in some cases though I'm used to being alone but with all of these absences I haven't felt more desolate inside myself.

So I'm going to leave Charm just pack up some things and go, have my seconds take over for me while I'm absent. Pretty much the entire city has emptied out even the angels are gone, we're left with nothing to do but twiddle idle thumbs and walk on restless feet. I have no idea where to start looking for Matias, he's a human perhaps trying in human dominated areas might get me somewhere. However I'll have to be careful not to reveal myself for one slip means I loose my host, thank fuck for a host the one defence I got to prevent me going to the Abyss. Host hopping is easy enough if I loose it, if I keep dropping them before my hair goes blue I won't be found. Hopefully. That's the theory anyway.

First stop Portch.

A video journal

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vev8aMzPW0w

Visual entry today ^_^

I am...

How long has it been since my last journal entry?

I don't even recall the last time but I know it was some time ago, it was after Alastor had been given back to us in a sorry state and then he stepped down. The three Abaddons were leading afterwards I was one of them, in the past this happened before until a new General was chosen.

Yes I haven't written in this thing because I became the new General, I've been far too busy with leading the war Shiloh started or going to meetings. I've tried to keep a hands on approach with the faction, that every member new and old I speak with personally. I hang out with the family when I can, I don't want to lose that connection I have them and just become another leader who is rarely seen. I want to know my people all those individuals who can work together, each of them is a cog that moves and I am the oil.

There is one thing that saddens me not just because I failed the last General in some way, but because I know others will be pissed at me for that failure. You see I had captured Priel and when you're newly put in a position with a bajillion things to think of, you end up making a cock up that costs you something most dear. No sooner had I become a leader that several things happened at once, for instance Oriax had become violent, cold, unpredictable and this understandably caused unrest and unease among the Nephs who knew him. Nesta  had also gone rampaging through Charm, Ashe was constantly getting in to trouble in form or another. So when I found Priel I thought nothing of it of sending him to the hospital for healing, before I then had him taken to the Mirror room which is now my dungeon.

If my mind had been focusing instead of worrying over things I would have known Shiloh would disapprove, he begged me to the free man with no further mental trauma than what he had already. I did at the time tell Shiloh that couldn't be guaranteed but I would free him, I told him that the Mirror Room helps convert people to our side. Yes he was upset about me taking people's free will away, honestly its their choice to see the truth or not. Time passed not much time but enough that when I went to see Shiloh to get the mind of Nesta fixed, he struck me while spitting insults for he was upset about the fact Priel loved the Morning Star. I lost him that day... The one thing I had to maintain was his compliance and keep him convinced we were better than the Exalted, if we could keep him then Gin would surely follow for the two were inseperable right now. I had failed all because of Priel that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't hate right now, for he is my brother and perhaps there are other crafters like us made out of what we crafted the best we are connected to. Priel was always the favourite, for I rarely saw him at all.

Lets see if I was to sum up the events there's a lot that has happened, my people have been attacked for just entering the Scarlot Harlot, Oriax has been fixed twice, I have lost two members of my family to the other side but in return I have gained six new ones. The war is heating up occasionally it stagnates in to a stale mate, but since I want to keep the Exalted on the defensive I will have them keep being attacked. I had hoped actually that Gin would have come around and stayed with us, not only because he's useful but because he grows on you... None of us can hurt Pink Frosting anyway I made a deal that none of us would...

On top of all this afterward Seralath is becoming a real thorn in my side, first he takes my sword away then forces me to answer all his stupid questions.

I know for a fact I'm not alone in my leadership I got some great second in commands, I have a brilliant council. And under them I  have the best family anyone can wish for, there is just one underlaying problem. I'm worried I'm not a good leader despite being taught by Alastor, I'm worried about not being able to meet their expectations, and I'm constantly afraid of driving them away. Maybe I'm not doing enough and perhaps I am failing my family, I just wish I knew I was doing the right thing.

Lulz of the day:
[19:16] Bronson: interviewer: as general of the Nephilim, what do you do in your spare time?... Blue: well i am always busy.. so i dont have any spare time... "Bronson:she dances on rooftops *interviewer looks at Blue.. Blue looks at Bronson.. Bronson get handed to Exalted as a sacrificial peace treaty*

Resignations and Murders

The new year got ushered in quietly sad to say but I suppose that's the way of things sometimes, I think I was busy doing reports or something so I was knee deep in work. I got a few spare moments this morning to do my journal updates, I need to get down some thoughts that I can't express anywhere else.

Earlier this month I finally clashed with Xanith down in the subway, our fight was rather bitter and neither side won but he fled first. I would like to point this out again that Xanith fled first, our swords are a horrible thing to each other and to other Celestials. We both needed healing since we fucked each other up pretty bad, I couldn't fight for a week afterwards but I'm sure I'll fight him again some time.

Now for the important news I guess... A couple of weeks ago the Exalted managed to capture Alastor by springing a trap, its the only way I can imagine they got him as he's a formidable opponent. They wanted revenge for the murder of Shiloh, they pinned it on Alastor without any actual evidence. I remember the fight well enough trying to keep him, I was tackled by an angel who swung a hammer at me and I ultimately failed to save Alastor. They had also taken Oriax but he managed to escape at a later date, Kane hadn't organised the patrols yet so three of us went up there to get the stone man down. I heard him crying on our comm despite the order for radio silence. I remember before that silence too, Alastor spoke to me he said he expected great things of me. There's nothing like his words to put pressure on a woman to succeed.

We had a meeting during that week to figure out how to get our General back, people came up with good ideas even Leif did. We went with Leif's idea of talking to the new Legatus Priel, if that didn't work we had back up plans. Somewhere along the line Leif had Shiloh resurrected by Crio, said he would be a distraction for the Exalted if they didn't turn up with Alastor. Come the day of the trade the angels were all on edge, soon as Shiloh showed himself they went nuts started attacking all of us. In that midst of chaos the army worked well without much direction, Lizbeth and Bronson got Alastor away from the battle soon as he was bought to the scene. When he had him safe in the manse the order to fall back was issued, most of us made it away a few however had been waylaid by three lycans. Lycans of all fucking things I don't like them much as they're hard to fight being stronger than most other races, since we weren't allowed to leave anyone behind and I was the only one left after hammer boy flew off I dove in to help them. I think if it hadn't have been for Oriax who took Ashe to safety, some of us wouldn't have made it back to the manse even Lizbeth came back to find out why were slacking. Yeah she saw the lycans too and knew why I stayed, eventually the dogs called themselves off something about if the angels can't fight their own battles then they shouldn't have to either.

Re-grouping at the manse was a task but we managed it, Oriax bought Ashe straight to the yard and Zekkiel got to work on her mauled throat right away. All the vampire healers by now had been strained enough with the amount of injuries people suffered, I couldn't help but feel terrible for that the last battles went fine with barely a scratch on us all. I had gone wrong somewhere and my family laid battered and wounded around the manse lobby, as usual there's no time to linger on the emotions that come for there's work to do so I focus on that. Syrin says we should start patrols around the manse in case the lycans struck, Lizbeth and I agreed though I reckoned the lycans wouldn't attack the manse at all. Patrols were organised. Meanwhile Alastor was being healed up some by a fleshcrafter called Lin, Lin also gave me a new finger since that hammer angel crushed mine off during Alastor's capture. It was sickening and depressing to see the General in such a state the angels had put him in, but he was recovering and I could easily relate the suffering he was going through. After all that vacation at the lycan den wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He relied heavily on Leif I also think he looked for Shiloh among our numbers but he had flown off, Lizbeth gave Alastor an update and he comforted me somewhat before he left.

I only saw him once the following week, he had run off before I could ask about his health.

Friday rolls around again and Alastor had called for a council meeting, we attended as we should for we were all eager to strike against the Exalted in revenge for what was done to our General. I... Well not just me we all were worried about him when he was imprisoned, but we pulled together we managed to get through it. The news we wanted was never uttered instead he gave up his resignation, saying the mental damage that had been done is unable to  heal right now. Alastor informed us he would be taking over Asylum club and we can still talk to him, so he would still be around in Charm and we can all visit. Well he did own that club... The goodbyes were tearful from us all and Damon walked out early, I can't get my head around that guy I don't understand him. Before Alastor left I hugged him tight he returned it and said I would do great things, that's twice now he has mentioned that. Vasha said it too at one point on the day I first met her.

History has repeated itself with Alastor now having left his position we are leaderless, thus the Abadons have taken charge of the Nephilim until a new one is appointed. When I joined the faction Sasha or Kesasha had been torn apart by the Exalted leaving the three Abaddons in charge, one of them was a complete idiot telling us to all whore ourselves out. We lost members for his stupidity and he was eventually driven out. Annika became General after that I had worked in the Fury department under her and Samuel for some time now, I was extremely fond of them both and they were happy with my work. When Samuel left it was then that Alastor was introduced to us as her new second in command, I remember the constant fighting we had because we never saw eye to eye at the time. Not long after Annika left I suppose she missed Samuel that much she went to find him, though I wanted to break over it Alastor kept me and the faction working. I know everyone will be upset about his leaving but he's not disappeared like Annika did and he's not dead like Kesasha even though she came back, the family has to be kept moving forwards to make sure we show no weakness regardless of what we feel. Even I can not show what I feel or the other Abaddons for we need to be the example and all of us need to lead, letting everyone linger on the feeling of loss would only stagnate us and make us targets.

I believe not all agree with that way of thinking...

Alastor taught me that the family should always come first, your personal feelings don't factor in to the safety and health of the whole.

On this same day more terrible news arrived at our doorstep, Pusher the newest childe of Zekkiel had been murdered by a mage. Her loss will be felt by all of us who called that woman friend, Zekkiel's of course will be the hardest of us all for he turned her to stop her death once already. Voltaire, Syrin and myself went to hunt down this mage, we found him yesterday and captured him. It was harder than we thought it would be though we were cordinated well, the mage had a knack for escaping that seemed almost impossible. Eventually he was taken to the manse underground and caged, while we waited for Zekkiel to appear Sorrow shared with me a porn book and her penis obsession. Syrin and Voltaire had already began torture when the prince showed up, he looked terrible his emotions felt even worse. I have never felt coldness and emptiness from him before, I can only imagine the pain he's going through. Pusher lost her soul when she got turned, but even if she had it there would be no where for it go. There is no afterlife.

Pusher will be avenged!

Alastor will be avenged when we have a new general to lead us, and perhaps then I can return to being just a mere soldier. However I doubt that will happen I need to suceed, I need to not let him down or the Generals before him. And to not let the down the Generals who will come after him.

My Emperor I will not fail you again.